The Noise In Your Head

The worst is not knowing; not knowing if it's a good idea, not knowing if i will succeed; not knowing if i was even made for it; not knowing if i am good enough; not knowing anything about the field that i try to succeed in; not knowing if i am going to quit again in a couple of weeks; not knowing all the answers; not knowing if i can truly trust myself; not knowing if i would return if i left it alone for so long; not knowing what else i could do if not this…

How much more can i be in my own head? Why every move feels like Sisyphus and that dang stone that he pushes up and then drops again and starts over?

Will we ever know the answers? And do we really know what we are looking for?

Why am i here at 10pm after a long day looking for those answers? Trying to write an article — something i didn't really used to do and honestly didn't know i would ever do in my life?

Why am i reading philosophers? Do we really know if they have answers? They have been fighting for years over finding the meaning.

And what does God think of me doing this? Is life not vanity and chasing the wind? Am i not chasing the wind right now?

And why am i overthinking it again? Why can't i just sit down and do it? "Just do it"…

I am sure I am not the only one having those thoughts. But here's the dilemma — I am trying to build something new, something I never did before. But how can I even try to have a go at it when every time I start, I get bombarded by all of those thoughts, most of them so blue, or grey, you know what I mean.

Isn't it weird that you try to get your life on a different level but inside your head you literally have a battle about it? While I was looking for some remedy to get me out of this misery, I started reading Meditations.

Marcus Aurelius was a Roman emperor but also a Stoic. So I was impressed reading his notes and how relatable it all felt. Like, how can an EMPEROR — a successful one — have the same issues as I do in my modern world? He's literally saying "I need to get up for daily work even if the bed feels too cozy" — isn't that all of us?

But here's the one that started guiding me out of my jam:

Most of what we say and do is unnecessary: remove the superfluity, and you will have more time and less bother. So in every case one should prompt oneself: "Is this, or is it not, something necessary?" And the removal of unnecessary should apply not only to actions but to thoughts also: then no redundant actions either will follow.

So I tried applying it. You know when I feel the most vulnerable? When I am at home after a long day at work and I decide to sit down and do some more work — without a real end in sight, because I am learning new skills, trying to make sense of them and share it with others at the same time. So that's what I started doing: every time my brain goes into the spiral of how unimportant this is, how comfortable my life already is, and why I should even bother — I started asking myself: "Is it necessary? Listening to this voice? How does it help me right now?" I made a decision to pursue this, so why should I have an existential crisis every time I am alone with myself? And it even started working.

Now, that's good — but it didn't really fix the outside problems either. I am still a writer without writing skills. Still an app developer on shaky technical ground. And every time I hit a problem, I let that inside voice scold me for even trying. But that's not the right way to go about your life. You don't become a writer by thinking about writing, imagining writing, or having already written a beautiful piece. You become one by doing it. And that means practice. So how do you gain practice without feeling down about your abilities in the process?

The Obstacle Is The Practice

I've got another quote for you and I am sure you will like this one just as much as I did when I found it:

"The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way."

What? Is that even legal? Do you realize what he's saying here? Pretty much everything we consider an impediment or obstacle is actually there to advance us further — to boost our knowledge, perseverance, mental capacity, expand our mind and problem-solving. How do you become successful? By multiplying the number of your failures but still recovering every time.

That's how I feel about coding, about skipping days of writing, about not feeling motivated. But then I think — wait, I am not an established writer who knows all the tricks for getting back to work. I am just learning to be one someday. And really, my obstacle IS the practice. It feels like an obstacle because it's all new and I don't know how to go about it. But imposter syndrome is not a sign that you can't do it — it's a sign that you don't know how yet. Without the practice, you will never arrive at the results you want.

You can't waste time questioning your abilities, because the truth is you don't really know what you are capable of until you actually start. And once you do start, every day brings new useful knowledge that advances you further than you've been before.

Unfamiliar territory is the blessing. It's a sign of growth.

You Don't Have Ten Thousand Years

"Do not act as if you were going to live ten thousand years. Death hangs over you. While you live, while it is in your power, be good."

This one is important to remember. While you waste time on self-deprecating talk in your mind, time still passes. So you get to choose — feeling safe but never testing your abilities, never letting yourself grow? Or trying, failing, trying again, and building real confidence in the process?

And here's something research actually confirms: psychologist Tom Gilovich from Cornell found that in the long run, people regret the things they didn't do far more than the things they tried and failed at. In the short term, failure stings. But over time, it's the unlived life that haunts you.

Funny enough, I am finishing this article at 10pm on a different day — so I have somehow closed that mystical loop. And to be honest, I am not completely impressed with this draft and I will probably work on it tomorrow morning. But what I am actually really happy about is that this article got finished today. I know I will have more energy to refine it, but the very fact that me — a non-writer — sat down and finished it right now? That's the biggest win.

Every little win like this will add up and eventually I will have less friction when writing. And most importantly, I get to feel more and more confident with every session that I conquer this vast landscape of thoughts. That's how I know I am pre-destined to succeed — because success is not giving up. And I am sure you can do that too.

So go finish that task that's been on your mind for days. Start that new project you always wanted. Because once you start — there's no coming back, and you can only come out better on the other side.

I believe in you. And you should too.